I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
