Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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