I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
