i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
