Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
