I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
