if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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