He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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