I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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