I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
