bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
