god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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