I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
