I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish i was in the wii world.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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