Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
