I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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