dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
