yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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