I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
