Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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