i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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