I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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