Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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