FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
