I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
