Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
