If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
