Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it's like heaven, but drunker
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
