Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I want her autograph on my taint
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
