I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
