people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
