mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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