Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
