3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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