i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
