How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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