I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
