I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
