I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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