her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
