I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
