I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
