my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
