i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
