if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
