This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
