i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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