It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
