So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
