you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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