I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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