Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The feeling are messing with the penis
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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