My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
